The Official Joke Thread


#1

Clean jokes, dirty jokes, dead baby jokes, etc… Post them.


#2

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”


#3

A guy walks into a bar, orders a double scotch and moans to the bartender: “An angry husband just sent me a letter threatening to kill me unless I stop screwing his wife.”

“So why don’t you just stop,” asks the bartender. "

“It’s not that easy,” replied the guy. “He never left his name.”


#4

Bubba and Earl went fishing for the weekend. When they were almost home they saw a sign that said free sex with fill up, Bubba said well I gotta get gas sometime might as well be here so they stopped in and filled up. The attendant said that’ll be 10 bucks so Bubba said what about my free sex? The attendant said well first you’ve got to qualify. Pick a number between 1 and 10. Bubba said 4, attendant said sorry it was 6. Earl said hey let me try and he said 9, the attendant said no I done told you it was 6. So they were back in the car and on their way when Earl said Bubba that was just a trick to get us to buy gas. Bubba said that weren’t no trick. Earl said how do you know that weren’t no trick? Bubba said my wife came here twice last week and she won both times.



#5

[B]

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old New York City neighborhood barbershopto say hello to his friends.[/B]
Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?”

Luigi said, “Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.”

“Whata you mean, Luigi?” asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station . My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip.

Everyting wasa Okey Dokey till we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore comea by, waga his finger at us anda say, ‘no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.’

"So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to a dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, ‘No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.’
"So, we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his fi! nger aga in and say, ‘No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.’ "We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting ata da top of his a voice…'Nofolka Virginia! … Nofolka Virginia!’

“Nexta time, I’ma just gonna taka da bus”


#6

This thread.


#7

SprintsFTW19’s mom


#8

Obama


#9

Funnage’s penis


#10

Now that was below the belt.


#11

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job four years ago he hasn’t even looked for a new one. All he does is buy cigars, play golf, cruise around, and shoot the breeze with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter graduated from college he doesn’t even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed, Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete’s sake, you don’t need him anymore. You’re a United States Senator from New York, act like it.


#12

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, “Isn’t that Bush and Powell?”

The barman said, “Yep, that’s them.”

So the guy walked over and said, “Hello. What are you guys doing?”

Bush said, “We’re planning World War III.”

The guy asked, “Really? What’s going to happen?”

Bush said, “Well, we’re going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman.”

The guy exclaimed, “Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!”

Bush turned to Powell and said, “See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!”


#13

Recently while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren’t you Moses? "

The man never answered but just kept staring ahead.

Again the President said, "Moses! " in a loud voice.

The man just kept staring ahead, never answering the president.

Soon a secret service agent came along and President Bush grabbed him and said, "Doesn’t this man look like Moses to you? "

The secret service agent agreed with the President.

Well," said the President, “Every time I say his name, he just keeps staring ahead and refuses to speak. Watch!” Again, the President yelled, "Moses! " and again the man stared ahead.

The secret service man went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, “You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?”

The man leaned over and whispered, “Yes, I am Moses. But the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert!”


#14

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get-acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton’s private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a fancy solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think " he said, “when I am president, I could have a gold urinal too. But I wouldn’t do something that self-induligible!”

Later when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that in the President’s private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "I found out who peed in your saxophone.


#15

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and says, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they’ll forever speak of this day and rejoice!”

Pelosi replied, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me.”

So the Pope slapped her.


#16

Pics or shens


#17

Indeed it was