I was running paperwork for a therapist and I passed by a patient’s room to see a naked man brushing his teeth. No gown or nothing. Just standing in the middle of the room brushing his teeth naked. Well… Standing is the wrong word… for you see, this guy had a stroke and couldn’t use half his body, he was barely holding on to his walker. So, I immediately see this, toss my papers aside, and start holding him up and tried to convince him to sit down. He says he doesn’t want to because he pooped himself and needed to be cleaned… and that’s about when the smell hit me… He crapped his wheelchair and from the way I was holding him up (he had pusher syndrome, so he was fighting my actions and leaning into me more when I was trying to get him upright), I was getting my scrubs and shoes covered his crap. I don’t know how he managed to get his diaper and his gown off, but he did. I finally manage to get him sitting down and I managed to slip and fall on his crap spraining my wrist in the process.
Thankfully this was a few weeks after I had a patient vomit on me so I’ve been keeping an extra pair of scrubs & shoes under my desk. It was pretty disgusting.
Then there was that time where I had to help a patient use his standing urinal bottle. This patient needed 2 people to get him standing, because screw sitting and peeing, and I was helping out the therapist. He tells me to put his dong in the pee bottle. I look at the therapist as if to say “Did he just tell me to do that?” So I just held the pee bottle where I thought his penis was and he’s like “It’s not on it.” I glance down and noticed I couldn’t see his dick because this guy was rather large. I had to lift up his gut hanging over his penis and then go hunting for his penis.
That was my second week on the unit.
I can’t wait until I’m the therapist and I get to have my underlings go through all the stuff I went through.
Also not me, but one of my friends who is an EMT told me of a funny story where a midget in a S&M leather suit answered the door and lead him to a fat man choking on a ball in a sex swing. Apparently the fat guy got stuck and started having a panic attack in the swing causing him to partially swallow/gag on the ball and the midget could not get to the release.
That’s what he says anyway. It’s a bit too ridiculous story to be true.